get up and get it

what in the world is stopping me from striving to get what i want? every time i read other ppls blogs stating that they will get theirs and they have all these goals i think, 'wow thats really awesome of them' but why can't i do that for myself? i can't seem to find the motivation to work harder. ive experienced before that hard work pays off..it really does. it takes time and effort and i really dont know how i can push myself to just get up and go for it. it really frustrates me. i could say that i have other priorities that get in the way but people struggle everyday through numerous things..that are even worse than what i have to go through! what in the world is it?

there are just so many factors that i can't even begin to list that i am already worrying about. what i keep forgetting is that things come and go..all these little dilemmas aren't as bad as they seem because they can easily be taken care of. im so lost right now i really don't know where to go or what to do. for some reason, i've heard so many people say 'you can get it if you want it bad enough' but never really stuck in my head until dmoe said it to me. and why do i believe it when he says it? anyone could have said that to me. but i guess he's the first person ive seen who hasnt bullshitted through anything and that is truly sincere about everything he does. i hate to say this but i think im just looking for short cuts in life when there really aren't any. at all. i know lots of people are like that too. maybe im just scared of the real world i am living in. right now all i can do is turn to prayer and have God really kick my butt and tell me to get up and do something!! i need a sign God, i need a sign. i need multiple constant signs that tell me not to give up.

right now things are heartbreaking, and i am overwhelmed with worry. things at home..are not exactly how i would like it to be. school is getting there..i really hope i get that financial aid check. work...i don't even know about work. i don't know if i should go back to work that i dread at the bookstore(as much as i do love little kids), or if i should seek out something new. as far as i know i might not even have a choice; i might have to go back. but we'll see. dancing..will always be questioned. as far as people go, we are who we are. im tired of watching out for myself even though i know im not doing anything wrong, but i feel like im constantly being watched and judged for the dumbest reasons. i hope after this summer, things will reach a level to where i wont be as worried about things, where i wont be as agitated, where i can just pick up where i left off and follow through with things smoothly. you know thats not gonna happen as there are things that unexpectingly are going to occur, and you feel like you're f/cked! its not the end of the world. i am young, and i just need some motivation.

recital is tomorrow and the day after that. im hoping to burn off some of this stress cus i can really feel it in my body right now. it wont go away i feel like smoking or something. okay that is so not something i will ever do but damn! you know. this blog is pretty depressing for me. ha.




love.