new semester

i haven't blogged since who knows when. too many things to blog about, all worth blogging but at the same time just hasnt hit me hard enough to want to blog.

knowing myself i always have days(you can say everyday) where i end up being alone and just think a lot. i think about everything going on in my life and the goals and desires of my heart that i feel one day i can accomplish and reach. everything is within grasp but none of it matters. i feel like the most important aspect of aquiring your dreams is how you get there. nothing feels better than knowing how hard you worked for something. sometimes those things may not even seem that big or that important once its obtained. its funny. and im sure that has happened to just about everyone, but i hope it doesn't discourage any future chases through life.

my point being: a new semester of college has just begin for me and classes are extremely tough to get. i have to add almost all my classes and every single one i need is full. priority registration dates are the utmost important - that being said i unfortunately am not one of the lucky handful that has priority registration. so, now i have to fight and keep striving til i get a decent schedule. we can't be picky because the dayyyuuummm economy of ours. we have to take what we can get whether we like it or not. it sucks, but theres always a way through things.

don't you find it interesting that the people around you aren't always what they are sought out to be? i know ive had some problems with people before that may think that about me but even when i think about people that i haven't had problems with, theres this shell that is somehow waiting to get cracked open to reveal something you've never seen before. one little pebble thrown in their path to make them curve and they are a whole different person. the things people care about, the things they prioritize, the things they will act different about and will be selfish or kind..i can go on for days but the desires of peoples hearts can show a lot about them. if anyone gets greedy it can ruin a lot of relationships they have with anyone.

life is weird. im just waiting to get my thoughts out but time + a busy schedule hasn't allowed me to do so within these past months. ive lost my relationship with God in someway and im itching to get it back.

i hope everything turns out the way they should. and like michelles new tattoo(oOoooohh) says, 'everything falls into place' ..holla back.




love.

what's going on?

this past weekend...i dont know what to make of some of it.

it didnt start off too well but turned into i dont know what. i hung out with old friends this whole weekend and ive really missed them. bien, who is probably my first best guy friend lives in nevada and i haven't seen him in like 4 years! ive missed you man.

anyway, the situations i get myself into..sometimes i dont know why i let them go as far they shouldn't. temptation leads into trouble, big time. who knows what could have happened if i kept going. honestly if i didn't know any better and hadn't had any teachings from the Word, i wouldn't have had any wisdom to stop and to know what was right. this was a very big challenge for me. and it will be. but after rehearsal tonight i think i know what i want. im a confusing and evasive person and i go back and forth all the time, but once something is in my sight, something ive wanted so much for awhile now, i always realize so many things. ugh fml. we're all human.

cutting to school...i took modern for about 3 weeks during summer school and im really sad its over. it felt so refreshing to take something other than hiphop. every time i went, it felt like a breath of fresh air. Luana, my dance teacher was so awesome that im thinking of taking it again. dont get me wrong i was completely lost in the class hahaha, but i loved every minute of it. no wonder its so good to explore outside your box. you really never know the things youre missing out on. also, my mission reappeared this summer, and im gonna try it out. halfway through i thought it disappeared and i got really upset but its not over yet! i actually cant wait til summer school is over.

yesterday jason and mallari really made my day. after meeting me up at work we went to go get some food that jason paid for and headed over to his house to watch the knowing, unknowing..unknown...i forget. it was a pretty good movie except i didnt like the ending much. anyway they made me a really cute brownie cake with sprinkles and omg it was just the sweetest thing. they really didn't have to. it really touched my heart lol. i already knew they were sorry. sorry for something that i got over pretty fast but its the thought that counts. it made me love them even more! =D the funny thing is, jasons two attempts at telling me that his parents were asking if i wanted dessert didnt work at all. haha but im glad you tried lol.

i think this ones really cute.

but i think this ones my favorite pic :)

__________


why must i have to think about this over and over and over again when i know what i have to do? like i said, when i know what i want and i realize so many things? ive suddenly lost a great deal of respect. not all of it, but a good portion. i dont know what to do anymore. this weekend will take me away for sure. im gonna make the most of it and think about whats right in front of me because ive missed it for awhile now. *stay with me just please stay with me..then everything else can go away..

another day of school tomorrow and then i get to hang out with ryan, b-ry and head off to work while i miss rehearsal hahah gay! im done thinking. i shall continue later.




love.

get up and get it

what in the world is stopping me from striving to get what i want? every time i read other ppls blogs stating that they will get theirs and they have all these goals i think, 'wow thats really awesome of them' but why can't i do that for myself? i can't seem to find the motivation to work harder. ive experienced before that hard work pays off..it really does. it takes time and effort and i really dont know how i can push myself to just get up and go for it. it really frustrates me. i could say that i have other priorities that get in the way but people struggle everyday through numerous things..that are even worse than what i have to go through! what in the world is it?

there are just so many factors that i can't even begin to list that i am already worrying about. what i keep forgetting is that things come and go..all these little dilemmas aren't as bad as they seem because they can easily be taken care of. im so lost right now i really don't know where to go or what to do. for some reason, i've heard so many people say 'you can get it if you want it bad enough' but never really stuck in my head until dmoe said it to me. and why do i believe it when he says it? anyone could have said that to me. but i guess he's the first person ive seen who hasnt bullshitted through anything and that is truly sincere about everything he does. i hate to say this but i think im just looking for short cuts in life when there really aren't any. at all. i know lots of people are like that too. maybe im just scared of the real world i am living in. right now all i can do is turn to prayer and have God really kick my butt and tell me to get up and do something!! i need a sign God, i need a sign. i need multiple constant signs that tell me not to give up.

right now things are heartbreaking, and i am overwhelmed with worry. things at home..are not exactly how i would like it to be. school is getting there..i really hope i get that financial aid check. work...i don't even know about work. i don't know if i should go back to work that i dread at the bookstore(as much as i do love little kids), or if i should seek out something new. as far as i know i might not even have a choice; i might have to go back. but we'll see. dancing..will always be questioned. as far as people go, we are who we are. im tired of watching out for myself even though i know im not doing anything wrong, but i feel like im constantly being watched and judged for the dumbest reasons. i hope after this summer, things will reach a level to where i wont be as worried about things, where i wont be as agitated, where i can just pick up where i left off and follow through with things smoothly. you know thats not gonna happen as there are things that unexpectingly are going to occur, and you feel like you're f/cked! its not the end of the world. i am young, and i just need some motivation.

recital is tomorrow and the day after that. im hoping to burn off some of this stress cus i can really feel it in my body right now. it wont go away i feel like smoking or something. okay that is so not something i will ever do but damn! you know. this blog is pretty depressing for me. ha.




love.

mission in tact

I don't know if my mission from last semester is as important for me to try and play out this summer semester, but i'd have to say im still intrigued. As i was walking towards my car this morning to go home from class that i absolutely cannot stay awake in, my mission had reawakened. haha! so there goes that.

so here i go again figuring out my major. i know ive told some what i wanted to do, but i think theres more to what i want. i hate being indecisive, but thats just how ive always been. im only that way because i want the best for me, and i hate settling for less; settling especially if it considers a long term effect..possibly lifetime.

we got 2nd at BodyRock, what's new. Not that im not happy about it(because im not lol), but cmaaannn people! its whatever. that whole trip was whatever but i did have a portion of fun. saturday night was hectic as everyone was super faded, super crazy, super disappearing..ah yi yi. i did get to take lots and lots of pictures! theyre up on fb.

starting summer school this past monday was such a drag. i personally have never attended summer school in my entire life up until now. not to mention that i am soooo NOT a morning person whatsoever. pat once said that its funny cus in elementary school up until college kids go to summer school to get smarter and get ahead, but in college its almost like catching up. for the most part its true but at the same time its a little bit weird to think about. if you think about it we have all the time in the world to get things done, but then agian we dont. people always say live your life while you can, but work hard while youre young to have a better future...dangit which way do i go? is there really such thing as a happy medium? there are always things to ponder and to contemplate about. there is always something to desire because once you reach your dreams, where do you go from there? it would be kind of weird to settle wouldn't it? no one stays content for long. i feel like life is a constant struggle, constant decisions, constant change.

there are constant issues everyone has to deal with and you can only be happy for so long. but that's how you grow as a person right? i could get into it, but i won't. life is about how you personally react to it, and the moments that come and go will stay there forever. that's why fights, arguments...its really not worth it. its really hard to believe that there are people out there that won't change and won't give in because they are too prideful of themselves and they think whatever they do is the right way to go. no matter how good of a person you are, if you don't surrender where is the growth in that? it doesnt even matter if youre right, its how you deal with your situations is whats important. this is actually making me a little angry so im gonna stop here.

recital is this weekend and after that, what dancing is next? i better go find something to do. ha.




love.

one more final..

and then i get summer vacay for two weeks! LOL. gahh getting up for summer school is gonna suck. i have one more final tonight which is all multiple choice. im kind of terrible at it and hoooolllyyyyyyyy i completely forgot i dont have a scantron to use gahhh fml right now. i dont know if i have any extras but i guess i gotta cut it here and go to the student store to go get some. update later.

::EDIT::

so my last final was a breeze.. sorta. lol it was only 50 questions! this whole semester our tests have been 40 questions and a short essay and how fortunate that my final turned out to be just 50 questions.

**11:11!!

yesterday was the longest day. i got up early to go to church with the twinsies and their mom - who by the way is freakin awesome and hilarious - and i didn't get to experience the whole shabang like i wanted to. if you've never been to Jubilee in San Jose it is the coolest place. especially if you're a youth. before and after service they have video games, a pool table, basketball courts, ipod listening stations, a big screen just for rock band, a tiny room for laptop stations, a place to just kick it and session, a snack bar.. dude, that place has everything! I wish i took pictures.. but the kids wouldve probably thought i was weird. There's 3 services: the main one for adults, the youth, and the little kids. I ended up going to the youth service with caitlin and kj and didn't really get the full experience. So i wanna go back and see what its like in the main building. After service i went to go check out the bigger building with subes and its like the building where bodyrock's gonna be..except i think bodyrock might be bigger. O_O i guess we'll see if i get to go again.

so dancing is gonna irritate me for the next two weeks. yesterday i was secretly irritated but i guess i have no reason to be, right? when im tired i don't really like talking and end up being quiet and sometimes really serious. it was actually a little fun yesterday. we got to the workshop late cus service ended around 1 and it takes about 30-45 minutes to get to the city from san jo. and then there are stops to get food or snacks..and contact solution LOL. so that takes time too haha. pat held a great class that challenged me more than i thought. i really like it when i can get into character and emphasize it a bit in my dancing. it makes it reallllyyy fun for me. i think what i like most about getting into character is when i have to do something i dont know how to do...then when im able to discover how to do it and know that it looks right, it feels GREAT!! ohh man. seriously. its like working on solving a difficult math problem..except i really hate math.

tomorrow sparks the awakening of my two weeks of summer. i better make use of my time! shoo. I hate waking up in the middle of the day and realizing i just wasted half my day. anyone agree? ............see! thank you. im really hoping there will be sunny days that way i can go to the beach and get at least a little tanned before we go to san diego. sunshine where are youuuusss?!?! guys lets go to great america!!

wobbleton and ms. iggnant alexis will be here this weekend for the TM workshop being held at City Dance in the city..i don't really feel like taking class, as to i can't afford it anyway, but i really really really wanna see wobz. i haven't seen her in a really really long time and it makes me sad cus i used to see her a lot considering she lives all the way in Corona.. socal ppl, socal. haha jaykay. i dont think there will be blogging from me for awhile..unless something exciting happens to me and i feel the need to share or lay out my thoughts.




Love.